I was just laying in bed with Neva as she was napping...(yeah I must admit I all most did it again...I all most fell asleep even though I am not tired) but I got myself up I was thinking back to about 2 all most 3 years ago when I was living in Worcester...I just had the 3 boys. I had a great group of female friends from the place I worked at. We would go out clubbing as a group like 5 or 6 of us.
The mere fact that I had that many female friends and that we could all get along amazed me as I have never been one with too many female friends. It was great though all most every Friday night it was OUR night. Most the time BF would babysit or my Mom...I would get dolled up and just chill with my girls.
We had a few special places we liked to go dancing all night long until my feet ached. The laughs we shared was outrageous. I looked forward to those nights.
At times I was misunderstood by my friends but always made them laugh in the process so that was cool for me. Like this one older guy he was in his late 50s early 60s...he always wore a black trench coat for some reason I thought that was so FREAKIN SEXY!!!! I have always had a thing for Mob types anyhow so pump a few drinks into me and that man always looked like a Soprano to me...HOT HOT HOT.
Every week I would dance my a** off with this man and he would beam with pleasure as I am sure he did not think he could attract the younger crowd as this place had all ages there. I would always make my girls sandwich him to make him feel SPECIAL.
We even started to take a guy out that worked with us. He was from out of town so we decided to show him around OMG I know he regretted that decision as he was not a drinker and we all were. He was always our designated driver...the things he saw and heard Oh MY we were so used to him that he was just one of us girls
It's amazing how good you feel about yourself when you are out with your girls partying not worrying about attracting men just chilling with your bit**es.
This lasted for a good 6 months until the drama that comes with having girlfriends showed it's ugly face. One of my girls slept with my other girls man on the side. Now why she was upset I don't know because she was cheating on her fiance with this guy but I guess it is a possession power struggle.
Things started to fall apart from there. I always remained friends with the both of them as it was none of my buisness but it makes it akward when you can't have them both in the same room together.
I still went to the club here and there with my best girlfriend shoot she can party her little a** off she is going to be 40 something this year and she out does all of us even the younger ones. I love her because she is real she knows the ghetto she knows the business side of a job she is just real.
In fact a lot of our girls stopped going with us because she would want to go to this small club in Worcester that the girls we worked with called 'ghetto as hell' but both her and I we knew a lot of people there and were fine.
Oh well years have passed and I still talk to all my girl but we just don't hang out like we used to. We always talk about it but we have all seemed to go seperate ways. I miss em though.
I still talk to my best friend when she picks up the damned phone because that is who she is she gets in these funks where she just don't pick up the phone even though you know she is at home as she doesn't go any where
A lot of my friends were disapointed in me when I became pregnant with Geneva my youngest as they said it would ruin my life having another kid. It annoyed me because I truly believe a lot of them told me that and instructed me to have an abortion because I could not club with them any more.
So that whole thing sort of left a bad taste in my mouth. I tried to go out with them a few months ago but I was so tired and I missed Neva too much it was the first time I had been away from her.
I sent Neecey an email the other day telling her we need to go out. I think that may be what I need a night out on the town with my girl. Remembering how it felt and the laughter we shared I miss that.
As I just typed that I pushed myself some more...I just called her it was nice to hear her voice. Damn the chick even answered her phone...now that is a MIRACLE.
Turns out she is moving still staying in Worcester but she offered for us to get together in a few weeks...just what the doctor ordered!!!
I love talking to her. I always tell my close friends in person, on the phone even here on line I love you. I just started to do that when we all started to hang out because I felt that immense love feeling and had to let it out
So it is set in a few weeks I shall have an Angie night out...no kids...no worries...all dolled up...just the girls for some girl time YA I am all most FREEEEEEEEEEE

I felt depression creeping up on me from last night through this morning. It's heading my way I suspect from me really taking a look at my current situation instead of just ignoring the unhappiness.
This morning all I wanted to do was sleep. I could not wait until geneva (10 1/2 months) took her morning nap because I was ready to go down with her.
Then I stopped myself and asked why are you going to sleep Angie? I wasn't tired I was just trying to avoid life. There was a point about 2 years ago where I hit a really bad depression only I could not see it. I slept all the time on the weekends..actually taking tylenol PM during the day so I would sleep as that is where I could be at peace with no drama nothing. Thank the Lord that I came out of it because I am a Mom first and foremost I have children who need me and me doing all that was not being a Mom.
Having been there I never want to do that again so this morning when I caught the warning signs I pushed myself out the door.
It was nice out today in the 60s I think so I took Isaiah (4) and Neva to the zoo for a few hours. It was hard getting myself out but once I was there I really enjoyed myself.
As I have said before here my kids are my medicine. When things are looking down for me I try to focus on them and they always have a way of making it all better for me. Just being around them makes me smile.
Neva was more nosey then anything she just liked looking around. Isaiah loved looking at everything asking questions. He made me laught when he said a turkey looked like grammy
We took the train ride at the end in this little a** train made for kids but of course the parents can go/have to go when there are little ones involved. That was nice to see them both happy.
I feel better at least not like I did this morning or last night.

So all the hints in the world is not going to do it. Guess I am going to flat out have to tell him...there's the door C-YA.
He's not going to take it well that's the part that has me stuck nothing more but his response.
I can do it on my own I have been even when he is around. I pay the bills, I take care of the kids shoot at times I am the one pleasing myself so what the heck

Last night while I was getting ready for my favorite time of the day 'Night Night' Cullen (9) tells me first how he can't wait until this is over..he was referring to my period as I am kind of a biatch Hey at least i warn them all though I am sure they can tell even if I don't tell them.
He then tells me how he thinks BF and I should part ways because BF is the devil and I am a God..that we will never mesh. Those are his words people! He amazes me sometimes at his inner thoughts and how clearly he can communuicate them.
First off I shined with pride with him calling me a God as I do not see myself like that but hey he's my son to know he thinks of me like that...holds me to that level WOW it just blows me away.
He is right about BF I could not help but think about it all day. I was asking myself why the heck are you with him? It's not love I mean I love him as another human being but not love as sharing love with someone.
Maybe it is just that I am accustomed to being with him as I have never shared my life with someone this long but I can't say that I am truly happy right now at all.
For instance sex is not anything anymore which used to be such a big part of me. I loved the closeness with not just BF but the men before him. Now it is more of a chore like OMG it's been months better give him a little something something so he will stop being bitchy.
He doesn't hold up his end of the bargain so I think this is why I have no interest. I get nothing out of it anymore nothing at all. Of course he does being a man and all.
It's sort of sad that Cullen finally got to this point because for years he was a main reason why I would stay because the thought of us going our separate ways would bring him to tears. I guess through the years as he gets older he knows this is no good for me.
Kids know even when you try to hide it from them like I do. I have always been like that with a lot of people not just my kids...put a great big smile on that everything is fine even when it is not.
So I ask myself why don't you just end it? FEAR...not fear of being alone or fear of not finding love because honestly I just want to be alone with my kids. OK honeslty I could use a little friends with benefits thing too at the same time which shouldn't be a problem as I have a few male friends that I am sure are up for the task.
BF is a very angry person. He gets angry at everything. One thing happens and he starts throwing things or yelling of course over the years I have grown a MEAN back bone when it comes to his little piss fits as I call them. I do not accept it around the kids so he ends up walking out after I tell him where the door is at.
BF is very vengeful too so I worry about that. I tell him all the time that we're not working out that he should find someone else but he won't budge. His answer is he's not a quitter.
I am not perfect so I know I play a part in our dysfunction but to have a sucessfull relationship you must have two people working at it and I gave up a long time ago.
I have been thinking about an exit plan how I could go about getting him out of my life but still allowing him to be a father to his kids.
Decisions...decisions...decisions.

There are time when I look into other people's lives and see the pain either losing a baby...or not being able to have one makes me feel very guilty that I have four of my own.
I don't know why some people are blessed with some thing and others are not.
My Mother used to nickname me fertile mertyle because becoming pregnant was so easy for me. In fact only my last child was planned and even with her it was not a decision made with a sound mind.
On the other hand watching people's struggles to have children makes me treasure my own even more. It allows me to look past their aggravation, fighting and just kid moodiness to see the true joy they bring.