I received notice last week that I need to bring Cullen (9) and myself to the family court this week for paternity testing. With everything going on last week I guess it just didn't hit me until latley.
Cullen is nervous but I assure him no blood just a quick swab of his mouth and mine. I think he is more nervous about the possibility of his Dad being there then the test itself. The paperwork said he could be there but I don't see why he wouldn't just get it done in NY where he is at.
This is all a result of the paperwork I filed for childsupport about 8 months ago. I could not do it anymore constantly begging him for his help. It bothered me that I had to go this route as it was him and I that made the child not the courts but chance after chance he just could not pull his weight.
I am not sure if this testing is standard when a man does not sign the birth certificate (as I was in a shelter miles away at the time of Cullen's birth) or if his Dad requested it. Either way it is just a formality to me because I know who his Dad is not chance other wise.
The good thing is once that is all taken care of they will be able to process a support order which will help here. I hope that also gets him to start thinking about his absence in Cullen's life.
I am more then willing to work something out so Cullen can go there to see him but he won't even return the kids calls. I stopped calling him the day I filed the court papers as I have nothing more to say to him. I can't be his momma he all ready has one. If he does not know what the right thing to do when he has a son then me staying on him won't help just push him away.
I have heard through his family members (who all support my decision for child support as they have been telling me for years to take his ass to court) that he is very mad about the whole court thing. See he is one of those people who do not know how to budget so that is where Cullen gets left out of the mix a lot of the times but with a court order they can go and take it out of his check he will have no choice.
I plan to make that day with Cullen happy by taking him out to lunch or something after to try to help him work these feelings out. I know it hurts him that his Dad is like this and that we have to go through all of this.

Sometimes it is so hard to force yourself out of a depressive rut. It does not good to anyone specially when your a parent.
I started to read a book this morning called 'The Five People You Meet In Heaven'. I have just started to read the book but one part really hit home.
He speaks of the moment when he went to heaven how he no longer hurt, he could walk without a cane, he did not remember any bad memories. This brought some peace to me about Nonny.
She did not have it easy here on earth. I hope she can find that peace where she is going.
I am giving myself credit that I stepped up to the plate for these last few years where a lot of my cousins did not. She was not the picture of what a grandmother should be as they tell us. There was a lot of pain and wrong doings but no matter what by blood she was our grandmother.
I became close to her during these last few years with visits to the nursing home. All though some days were harder then others seeing her in the state she was in. I took control of my destiny I created a new relationship with my Grandmother and new memories that I can hold dear instead of focusing on the negative like so many of my cousins will do.
I stayed by her side those last few days and I was there when she took her last breath. So see I have no regrets to live with nothing but love. Many of my cousins are dealing with remorse at this time that they did not visit more or visit at all. They are left with unclosed chapters as they never forgave her but I did.
Today is a beautiful day weather wise here in MA. I looked out the window and I told myself that I am going outside with my kids. Fresh air always helps. It will take time but I am not dead neither are my kids.
My kids will do as they have done all these years, keep me going. I can't just give up and feel sorry for myself as I have little ones that need me.
I will take each day as it comes
I will be good to myself
I will be active again in my kids lives
I will live my life as Nonny would not me to be like this.
Thanks friends for being there for me. It helps a lot to see that I am heard that people across the land reach out to touch my life when I feel defeated.

I set myself up for a disapointment when I thought everything would be back to normal after my Nonny's burial. It is hitting me now that I am not back to normal that I can't just say ok she's in the ground it's all better.
Yesterday's mad cleaning and reagrangement of my house did not help me any because I feel it today. I am crying at the drop of a dime yet I am not sure what exactly is bothering me.
It has been hard from going to free spirit in and out of the house to Nonny's nursing home, then the funeral to lockdown stay at home mother again.
I was worried that Neva would not be as bonded to me as before this all took place as I stopped breastfeeding and I have not been here much her Dad was the main caretaker. Boy was I wrong she is attached to my hip now! I can't even leave the room without her screaming. I guess she may be having anxiety that I am going to take off on her as I never left her alone that much before.
I have to slow down give myself some time instead of taking on these big projects that don't need to be done right now. In the past I have gotten over a traumatic experience by shooing it away as it's over and done with. Just recently I found out that does not solve the problem at all. If you don't deal with what is bothering you it will eat you alive

This morning I knew I was back to my life as it was before Nonny took that turn for the worst and then passed away. I lost a sense of time even a sense of closeness with my kids as I was so wrapped up in everything.
Yesterday was the first day alone with the kids as BF had been a full time father for over a week. To add to the stress I had a doctor's appointment for myself so here I go lugging an infant and a 4 yearold along. It went alot better then it could have so I am thankful for that.
By the end of the day yesterday I found myself so reved up/stressed out. I gave myself a little pep talk telling myself that I have been off schedule for so long that it is going to take a while to get back there.
This morning I woke up in full clean the whole house mode. It's funny some days I have the energy to attack the house like this and others I don't want to do anything.
Usually when I get in these modes something is bothering me in my mind. At times I am aware of what it is and others I have no idea but I do know something is bothering me. It's sort of a self-defense mechanism I guess because if I keep myself busy by cleaning and rearranging furniture then I don't dwell on whatever it is that bothers me. Plus it sure helps having a nice clean looking, smelling and new atmosphere
My oldest son Darian (13) comes home today from his vacation with my Aunt in Florida. He has been gone for like 3 weeks I miss him bad. I went into his room this morning cleaned it, washed all of his pillows, sheets and comforter, vaccumed the whole nine.
The only thing I don't miss about my oldest being gone is that him and Cullen (9) fight like cats and dogs but I think this time away should help them even if it is just one day of peace.
I rearranged my living room, dusted, washed all the window inside and out, vaccumed. Cleaned the bathroom, kitchen, floor in both. Plus I did 5 loads of laundry it has been piling up plus I did my sheets and comforters as well as Darians.
I swear I am still ready for more but I am going to stop myself there. I will do Cullen's room the next day I feel like this. I can't overwhelm myself because that is just asking for trouble

I am doing much better today with Nonny's passing. Tears filled my eyes when I opened the bag my Mother gave me from the wake. I thought it was just the remaining copies of the writings I made for Nonny but to my surprise I found the book from the funeral home. It touched my heart that my Mom thought of me.
My Mother also gave me Nonny's rack with her bell collection. I found the strength to put it up today on the wall in my room. It made me smile as I looked at it.
Nonny did not have much at the end of her life as she lost most of her possessions along the way. Either greedy family members taking what they could or she also lost some items during her many moves from nursing home to nursing home.
The items which I received may seem small to most but they mean so much to me. They are pieces of her she left behind items she loved so much which I can in turn pass on to my own children.
Nonny's biggest gift to me was my daughter Geneva. She told me I was pregnant even told me I was having a girl. I love telling that story to any one who will listen. I loved to tell that story when Nonny when she was alive as she would beam with love and looked so proud.
Time is all that is needed when we lose a loved one. Time seemed to stand still for those days while I was healing but I see the light now.
The quality of life that Nonny had at the end of her life was nothing like what she was used to. I hope Nonny laughs, dances and loves up in heaven. I know she is looking down on all of us specially the kids.