First off thanks for everyone here in my blog family who gave me the support I needed during this time in my life. I can not thank you all enough as I needed each and everyone of you to get through this.
Today was wonderful! Nonny did not look too much like herself which freaked some of my family members out but for me it was needed as all I have been seeing in my head is the picture of her laying there dead after her last breath and it was not pretty.
Today she had a beautiful dress on and a smile of peace. I was able to hold her hand one more time and stroke her hair as I always did when I visited her.
No drama happened which was an outstanding accomplishment for my family. In fact I smiled as I looked around the room at so many relatives whom I was close with as a little girl but I lost touch with over the years. We were there crying, laughing together comforting one another just as Nonny taught us all to do.
There were two photo collage boards when you walked in which had pics of Nonny from when she was a little girl to just a few months ago. Those boards really helped ease the pain.
My cousin Jason came up to me at the cemetary and told me how he had a plant he wanted to give me that it has a sentimental value to him and he would like me to have it. That was the best feeling in the world as he was my playmate as a little girl but then his Mom/my Aunt and my Mother started to fight so we did not see much of each other anymore. I never realized how much I miss him.
I was not going to go to the gathering after the burial as it was at my Aunt's house who passed away a few years ago the one my Mom had fought with so much over the years. Then my cousin's little girl (well ok she is not little anymore she is 17) hugged me at the wake and asked if I was going to come to her house after. How could I say no to her she reminded me of myself when I was young. I could tell it was important to her to get to know her family.
I am glad I went not many of our family members went there after as a few still just don't get it and would rather still argue. I want to start a new chapter for all of our children so they will know one another.
I feel at peace with Nonny's passing. I also feel excited that we might just be able to turn this around in the family and become a family again. I know I am willing to do my part but we will have to see what happens as I can not make it happen all on my own.
A lot of phone numbers and email addresses were given out. My cousin Phillip even talked about perhaps having a family get together once a year at a hall or a park which I think is a great idea.
Positive things have all ready started to take effect since Nonny's passing. I know she was in that room, at that gravesite, at my Aunt's house saying this is how it should be. I know Nonny was proud. Shoot I am proud at everyone myself being able to put things aside to honor or Nonny for all she gave to us.

Since Nonny's death I have tried so hard to keep it all together mostly for my kids hiding how bad I hurt inside so they won't be worried. I all most made it as the funeral is tommorrow.
BF and I just got into a huge fight something we have not done in a long time. I know he has been under a lot of stress with his new hat of full time Dad as I am usually the main caretaker of the kids, housekeeper, laundry service, cook, mediator the whole nine. He has had to step up to the plate.
I have been snappy here and there all though I do not mean to. I have appologized when I do this and try my hardest not to do it to him. Isaiah and I went out this afternoon and I bought a new computer so I was trying to install everything. He comes in asks me what today's date was I told him I did not know everything has been a blur to me since last Sunday when Nonny went downhill. That is not my fault. Apparently he thought the best way for me to solve his problem would to be to click on the time on the bottom of the screen something he does all the time but I do not thus I am not accustomed to it specially not on a new computer. I asked him to look on the calender next thing I know he is yelling and screaming at me ripping the nice calendar my Mom gave me for Christmas. Telling me how simple it is how it's not hard to just click on the time.
This whole fight is so stupid but I am so hurt right now. My eyes are puffy from crying. I am hurt that the one person I was depending on to keep it stable around here chose this time to blow up at me for something so stupid.
How am I going to make it through tomorrow? Honestly I am a freakin mess right now I feel sick to my stomach all I can see is my dead Nonny looking like a horror show. I don't want to see her again yet I do.
My Mom called me this afternoon telling me how one of my cousins in Florida borrowed against my Nonny's life insurance policy so now we're out 4K the balance can not be touched until we go to court. The good news is I believe they will go through with the funeral but my Mom says they might not put her in the ground. My Mom can be over dramatic sometimes so I am thinking this might be one of those times.
I don't know how I am going to fall asleep tonight I am so worked up right now. The anger that came out of me while he was yelling at me scared me so much. I am usually very mellow I let things fall as they may but this one time I could not take much more specially over something as trivial as this.
I told BF to take it easy on me until after Tuesday that I should be much better then. Guess as always he goes against the grain now I am stuck here with 3 kids (my oldest is still in Florida) cooking dinner that he was bitching about making anyhow and he is off running the streets somewhere.
How come he is always the one that gets the easy way out running out the door like a little sissy? I told him to leave any how because he was yelling and it was just a matter of time before he broke something.
Well on the positive side this little number right here really got my mind off of Nonny if only for a minute freakin men it always has to be about them

I have been finding it hard to hold on these days. Each day I feel a little better though but I am afraid this progress may be lost tomorrow as Nonny is laid to rest.
I am not getting much sleep either as each time I close my eyes all I see is that shell that was left when Nonny took her last breath. I put a call into my doctor this morning to see if they can prescribe something to sleep just for a few days so I can feel a little better.
If it is not Neva keeping my up with the teething it's this
Good thing is we had snow this morning so Isaiah (4) and I went out and played for a few hours while BF watched Neva. It was fun we made snowballs and I taught him how to make snow angels. Those snow angels really have a meaning now it makes me think of Nonny.
I am still torn wether or not I should bring Cullen (9) as he is a very emotional kid. He says he wants to go to the funeral but I am not sure if he will have bad dreams from it. Then there is the dysfunction factor of my family. I have a very bad feeling that some drama is going to go down at the funeral and I don't want to have Cullen be a part of it. My cousin's wife has the same feeling this is why she is not bringing her oldest daughter.
I think I may just keep him home from school but not bring him perhaps I can bring him up to her grave later in the day so he can say goodbye on his own. I am not sure yet it's amazing I even remember my name.
I am going to work on putting up my Nonny's bell collection that my Mom gave to me. I want it in my room so I can look at them plus who am I kidding my kids are less likely to knock them down
The snow play really helped me this morning. I am still so much of a kid those are the times I cherish most when I am running around with my babies.
I know Nonny brought that snow this morning as a way to distract me from this depression I am entering. Nonny's smile could be felt as Isaiah and I chucked snow balls at one another.

I have visited my Nonny in the nursing home religiously every Sunday. It was our special time some days I would spend the whole day just her and I.
Today I don't know what to do. I find myself wanting to get in the car to go visit her but then I realize she isn't there. It hurts so bad.
I am thinking I might go up there with some coffee and dounuts for the nurses also to visit some of the residents whom I grew to love as family while I visited my Nonny.
Yet I don't know what it is I want to do. It is so hard for me to get back to my daily routine. I feel so distant from my own person who I was before my Nonny passed. I feel empty myself as if I died right along with her.
Tuesday seems so far away until I know I can not start the healing process until I go to the wake and funeral. It is closer now then it was a few days ago.
Yesterday as I went out to make the papers for Nonny's funeral I found myself staring at every elderly man or woman knowing they are someone's grandparents. I wondered if their grandkids cherish them as I cherished my Nonny. Are they alone in this world? Do their grandkids get too wrapped up into their own world and overlook the precious gift they have right now?
Then a part of me feels envy that someone has their grandparent still here on earth to cherish love, hug talk too.
I am just all jumbled right now and I don't know how to fix it.

I have been watching over my Nonny viewing the whole dying process since Sunday. It has always been my goal not to show Nonny how I was feeling because I know her I know that no matter what situation she was in how much pain she should be in if one of her kids, grandkids showed pain she would hide her own.
My Mom came back on Monday which helped me some as I did not feel as if I was the only one there. It allowed me to have a break when needed as I felt bad that I was not home with my own kids. Geneva has not been away from me like that since she was born. In fact it has been these last few days which weaned Neva from breastfeeding I was not here to do it and when I was I did not want her to feel the nerves that were in me. This saddens me a little but she seems to be doing well with it.
Tuesday night when I got home I noticed while giving Neva a bath that a piece of my hair had wrapped around her toe. This has happened to all of my kids but I have been fortunate enough to notice it as any time I dressed them, bathed, or changed my babies I always give them the look over for anything not right. I tried to get it off but it appeared to be still on as it had to have been on for at least a day. The hair had cut into her skin. We rushed to the ER BF, Neva, Cullen (9) and Isaiah (4). As we waited to be seen I cried thinking this was all my fault for not being home with my kids. I was willing to cut all of my hair off if needed to make this wrong right.
When the ER doctor saw Neva he laughed and said this is so common. The hair was all ready off and it would be fine.
I laid down for sleep then was woke up at 2AM. The caller ID read the nursing home I was so afraid to answer it as I thought it would be the call that Nonny was gone. My Mom was on the other end telling me that Nonny is ok but she needs to go to the hospital that I should get to the nursing home ASAP.
So I got my butt there as she said. The whole ride there I knew what it was someone said something to my Mom that she did not like and now for attention she was off to the hospital as she does this all the time. I was so fustrated with this as this was Nonny's time not Mom's but my main priority was Nonny.
My Mom had a run in with a nurse who said she could not assess my Nonny with my Mom in the bed with her. I understand this but for whatever reason my Mom had a breakdown. I had to call 911 the whole nine but I knew the only way she could get back was if I got her. I laughed with Nonny telling her if she wants to go in peace to do it now because Mom would be back with more drama.
I ended up going home that night as I was a mess but I came back early in the morning. My Mom pops up by taking a cab which she says she is going to make the nursing home pay for even though I was ready to pick her up???
That morning I told Nonny in her ear what had happened to Neva that I could not do this bedside watch for too much longer that my family needed me. I told her to promise me she would go today which was Wednesday. I explained to Nonny that there was no coming back from this one as she had done with others she had to go. Something in me felt peace that my Nonny would keep her promise that she would go that day.
I told my Mom all hyped up as I had so much coffee that morning my Mom seemed wierded out and just yesed me so did the nurse. I felt the way I did before my nervous breakdown at work so I knew I had to go home for sleep which I did.
I could not sleep as when I would close my eyes I would see my Nonny's beautiful blue eyes then Jesus and his blue eyes. I did get a few hours of sleep then headed back up.
Those last few hours were the hardest seeing someone break down physically before death. Her eyes were glazed, she had froth gurgling up from her lungs, she would stop breathing and then start again.
My Aunt was able to tell Nonny on my cell phone how she forgave her for the abuse she had suffered as a little girl a few hours before her death which I am sure helped them both.
I laughed at Nonny saying how much Neva is like her. How Neva didn't want to come into this world and Nonny didn't want to leave. As I said this her eyes started to move back in forth I know she heard me.
I held her hand nonstop I didn't eat, drink or move for so long.
The whole day I had it in my had that 12PM was the cut off time as Nonny heard me ask her to promise to end it today so that we could know she is at peace no longer in pain and we could go on to take care of our children. As the night went on I began to lose faith in that promise getting mad at myself for believing in such a stupid thing. I kept telling Nonny what time it was and how much longer she had.
At 11PM I went into the cafateria on the floor doing crossword puzzles feeling defeated not knowing what to do. I could not hold on much longer I really wanted to go home but I did not want to leave Nonny.
At 11:30PM I came back into the room but I gave myself the 12PM cutoff too if nothing happed before then I would go home as I needed to take care of myself as well these days were taking the toll on my body. My Mom and I had spent most of the night holding her hands telling her we loved her that it was ok to go, praying trying to do anything to help her on her way by 11:45PM we were both drained so we turned the light out Mom crawled into bed on one side holding Nonny's hand. We draped her favorite comforter over all of us as I held Nonny's other hand and rubbed her ahir. I closed my eyes something told me to open them as I watched Nonny take a long breath but then there was no more movement. I stood staring at Mom waiting for any sign that this was it. Then Mom nodded her head. I broke down in tears as I held her body so tight. I thanked her for keeping her promise to me at 11:50PM she was gone. She did keep her promise to me she heard me and loved me enough to release me from the pain as well.
When it was all over I started to have panic attacks I wanted to get out of there ASAP her body was freaking me out I could not believe how much it was not her how cold it got right away.
I gathered my stuff and hurried down stairs there was no one at the door so I had to find someone from the first floor unit to let me out.
I said excuse me to the med nurse as I saw she was fixing the meds but there was no one else available. My anxiety was getting worse all I wanted was out of there and now I felt trapped. Thoughts of breaking the glass to get out where running through my mind.
I know the nurse could see me as she looked at me out of the corner of her eyes. When she walked away from the cart and saw me she shrugged her shoulders as if to say what do you want. I said may I please be let out of the front. She said with such a snide, mean nasty way and who are you? I lost it right there. I screamed my grandmother just died and started to cry and panic attacks were coming so fast I could not breathe.
The nurse appologized and tried to come to me as if to hug me I backed off each time she came close and kept saying I just want to go home over and over again. She would ask me are you ok to drive and again I would answer I just want to go home.
As the nurse let me out the front door she said I don't even know who you are I hope you will be ok.
The next morning I was so upset about what had happened with the nurse there was no need for it. Part of me wanted to let it go as I am not going back there but I do not want that to happen to anyone else. I made a call to the nursing home to let them know what happened they said they will talk to her.
So It wasn't just bad enough my Nonny was dying, that she did die with me right there but then I had all this drama around it as well.
Tonight Cullen (9) and I went to the mall to buy him something to wear for the funeral. I can not believe how numb I feel how much I miss her.
The waiting is killing me waiting for the funeral and the wake because then I believe my healing process can start.
My Mom brought over 3 boxes of my Nonny's stuff from the nursing home that she wanted me to have. It was so hard to go through the boxes but yet it brought me peace as well.
Honestly I do not want to go to the funeral and the wake I am dreading it. I don't want to see that shell again as it bothers me but I know it is something I have to do as she would want me there.
I just have to take one day at a time until Tuesday