nonny xmas

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I miss her so much. I took this video of her around Christamas time when I brought her baby doll to her as a present. She loved it she always loved babies and then she had her own to take care of. She wouldn't take her eyes off of her.
The funeral home said she would be burried with her baby in her arms which makes me happy as I know how much that baby brought her joy during those last few months even minutes of her life.
I watched this video this morning as I was feeling really sad not knowing what to do to make myself feel better. Then as I watched it I laughed I wasn't sad anymore I heard that laughter that always makes me smile

Godspeed is all I can say. No one not I not the nurse not the doctor could say when Nonny would pass God made that final decision.
Tonight at about 10 to 12PM my Nonny took her last breath. I am so happy to say that she did this with my Mom on one side of her bed holding one hand and me on her other side. I held Nonny's hand tightly with one hand and my other hand on her head then it happened. Nonny's favorite comforter was over her it was all most as if she was waiting for it.
I am glad she went that way with her daughter on one side, grand daughter on the other as my Nonny has always loved snuggling in the bed with her kids.
Many a night as a young girl I remember being curled up next to her on her giant water bed. She would kick her husband out and it would just be her and the grandkids. As the family expanded it would be the great grandkids as well.
These last few days have been very hard. My Nonny never had it easy here on earth I hope and I pray with all my heart that she lives an eternal life that she deserves up in heaven.
I have never watched a person die like that. I have seen a dead person at a funeral, on TV and what not but never seen someone take their last breath right there in front of me.
Once that breath was gone you could tell the spirit was released. As I looked at her she did not look like the Nonny I knew it was nothing but a body an empty shell.
Things happen for a reason in life this I believe. I think I was meant to be there to see her die so I could make peace with her passing. Being there for my Nonny for the last few days has been the best few days of my life. Knowing she needed someone and I could be there for her felt as if I had one the lottery.
She is no longer in pain, no longer will she stumble on her thoughts, she is now free from her body which broke down over time, free from her mind which held so many painful memories, free from her sins, mistakes.
I miss her terribly but I know she is never far away she would never be able to be far from her kids, grandkids, great grandkids and even one great great granddaughter whom she was fortunate enough to meet while she was here. Her legacy will live on in my fond memories.
Thank you everyone for your kind words, prayers and support as always I apprecaite my little family here on the stream

To watch my Nonny die is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. There are so many emotions that run through my body, my mind daily, minute, hour.
When I woke up this morning with no call from Mom I had figured that Nonny was hanging on just barely that I better get my butt up there which I did. I spent the whole day with her no change either way which made me believe as I was leaving maybe she might not be dying?
The thing that kills me is she has not ate or drank since Saturday, she doesn't speak, doesn't laugh, doesn't even grasp at your hand. Yesterday she would at least show pain if they gave her a shot today there was no response at all.
Here and there today as I talked with her I could see her focus her eyes on me. That right there was enough for mer.
I broke down once this morning holding her tight telling her how much I love her but then in the afternoon I felt a lot of peace. Last night I was questioning God. Why would he do this to someone, why not just take them? Then as I felt that peace come over me this afternoon a thought or rather a question popped in my mind; 'Angela how do you know that Nonny isn't all ready in heaven? That this is just her body that has to run through the motions before it just breaks down?'. I smiled as I began to think this because I thought of how silly I must look to Nonny if this was the case sitting her crying on her body, telling her it is ok to go, go to the light people are waiting for you as she is sitting there laughing that infectious laugh that I miss telling me what an ass I am
I made myself go home tonight as I have not been much of a Mom latley. I have missed my kids a lot. Neva has been really fussy without me as she has never been away from me this long.
My Mom is up there with Nonny tonight so I know she is not alone. If Nonny is still with us in the morning I will go again to relieve my Mom.
Situations like these are when that saying Godspeed comes into play. It is up to him when Nonny will go or even if she will go.
Thank you everyone for all of your thoughts and prayers I feel them as I walk through these motions daily.

It has been 4 days now since Nonny took a turn for the worse but she is still fighting it. I wish I knew why. This has been the hardest thing so far to see as she looks like what they tell us death is yet she is still breathing.
My Mom got home safe I picked her up yesterday afternoon and brought her straight to Nonny. I was praying yesterday afternoon that Nonny would hold off at least until Mom got there because Mom has been her main caregiver through this time. My Mom would never forgive herself if something should happen with her not being there.
I felt a sense of relief that everything was no longer on me, that Nonny would not 'die on my watch'. I have been quite strong through these days with just a tear here and there.
Last night when the pastor came in to read the last rights it hit me like a ton of bricks. I really think this is it but who knows. She is not responsive, has no gag reflexes, still spiking a temp yet she is still fighting it.
It felt so good to hear the pastor tell Nonny that all her sins are gone, her pain is gone that she can go to the lord now.
I told my Mom to call me if something happened over night because I want to moarn in peace not finding out when I get there. I did not get a call so I guess I go back up this morning.
Nonny has not ate or drank in 4 days. Makes you wonder how long can one actually go. I lost it last night after the pastor said his words. I climbed in bed with Nonny squeezing her tight. My tears covered her. My Mom said she was responding trying to say something and moving her eyes and eye brows. I felt so ashamed as I am sitting there telling this woman that it is ok to go yet I am crying my ass off in front of her. I do not want her to think she needs to stay because of me.
I really don't know what else to say right now.

My Mom is in Florida visiting my Aunt. She was supposed to stay for a month or so but plans have chnaged.
I am in charge of taking care of Nonny making sure she is ok. This afternoon I popped in to see how my Nonny was. I did not expect to walk into what I did. Two nurses greeted me at the door telling me that my Nonny was not doing too good. She had spiked a temperature and her oxygen levels were down.
It still hadn't hit me what they were telling me until I came into the room laying eyes on my poor Nonny lying there. She looked really bad not in pain but not alive either. I was told by the nurse that my Mom should come back that this may be it. We have been told this a lot since Nonny has been in the nursing home but she always pulls through. Tonight was much different I see what they are seeing there is not hope I don't want to have hope that she will pull through. I am so sick of seeing her in pain. I want her to die to be in peace.
I spent the night tonight rubbing her head telling her it was ok to go that no one would be angry at her that no one in the family wants to see her in pain any more. Then I told her what she told me as a little girl that no matter where we are we are always in each other's hearts. I told Nonny that it should not matter if she is in heaven or earth that we will still be in each other's hearts. It was at that point that I could not hold the tears in any longer. It was impossible for me to keep it together anymore. As tears streamed down my face I saw the same tears appearing down my Nonny's cheeks. This woman is incredible no matter what she has been through in her whole life even now I have NEVER EVER SEEN HER CRY. Then tonight I saw the tears.
She stopped crying and so did I as I watched TV with my head on her shoulder, my hand in hers. As I sang amazing grace in her ears she started to cry again.
I told her not to fight it that it was ok for her to go on she deserves it. No one deserves to be in pain. I told her how her husband whom she loved dearly and misses is waiting for her that her daughter is there waiting for her too (she passed on a few years ago). She seemed to like that idea but still is holding out.
I hate not knowing when this is goign to take place just knowing it is coming and coming soon. I left Nonny tonight once she fell asleep. I am going back up first thing tomorrow morning when I wake up. Then I have to pick up my Mom at the airport in the afternoon. My oldest son is staying in Florida as planned.
I am so proud of him he called me tonight while I was at the hospital leaving a message with BF that he wanted to make sure I was ok that he was worried about me. It's times like these that I know I raised that boy right goodness he is a teenager yet he still has a heart and cares for his momma that means the world to me.
I found myself on the way home tonight wanting to pull into a church any church that I saw to pray that God take my Nonny soon. I believe in God but have not been to church in years. At one point I was in a chruch parking lot but could not bring myself to go in. I know God hears me though but in the end it is his decision his timing.
If something should happen to Nonny at least I know I have been there for her right along most importantly tonight. It angers me that most of my family have calloused themselves to her and her situation. They bled her dry as to what she could give them when she was well and now when the going got rough when she needs her family most my Mom and I are the only ones there for her. The funny thing about it is that Nonny was never that close to my Mom and I as I was growing up. It has been these last few years since I moved back down this way that I have gotten close to my Nonny for that I am so greatful. I know when Nonny passes on I will have a clear concious with regards to her passing which many of my cousins and aunt will not be able to say. I can't control other people only myself.
It's funny part of me ends this entry saying I wish she would hang in there until tomorrow then another part says let her go be at peace. Only time can tell.
I end this post by telling my Nonny who is 20 minutes away from me right now laying in a nursing home hospital bed attached to oxygen half way out of it that I loved her that when I go to bed tonight I will do as you told me to do when I was a little girl...put my hand on my heart thing about you Nonny and say I love you for no matter where we are we are always together