It's funny how it sometimes takes another person looking into our lives to point out things to us. A simple conversation last night in chat with Shiira showed me that even though I try not to I do have a favorite in the family,my middle son Cullen.
Darian and I were close when he was young but as he has gotten older he gets more and more like me It is hard to get along with someone that's JUST LIKE YOU. What the heck was I expecting because he is my son. He's got his daddy's looks and my personality,well at least he's got the good looks
Darian gets lost in the shuffle a lot of the time I have to admit that. He is the oldest and a real good kid so sometimes he does not get the attention he needs because he in essence doesn't give me a lot of problems. Those of you with teens know how hard it is to communicate with teens. I am trying to work something out but it is hard because I can't baby him like I did when he was young,can't kiss him (he hates that) it's all on his time. Believe you me though when he is giving out a hug or a kiss I eat it up.
Sometimes I feel as if we aren't mother and son,more like brother and sister because of his formative years spent at my Mom's house. Yeah the rent was free but I paid for it with our relationship.
When I got out on my own permanently (when Darian was 4) he had a rough transition. He did not like listening to me as he was always accustomed to Grammy telling me what to do when it came to having Darian doing something.
I will say Darian has been through the most out of all the kids. Bad relationships,3 shelters,battered women's transitional program,being in hiding,hard times all alone just him,cullen(as a baby) and I in Worcester. He has seen the most out of all the kids this is why I think he tends to be the protector of the house.
BF and Darian only got along at first when I met BF after that Darian butts heads with him all the time. I have talked to Darian before telling him I knew he felt like he had to protect me/be the man of the house in the past but there is a man in our lives now. He should enjoy his life being a kid.
Cullen and I get along easier less work. When he is disrespectful or disobeys the rules it is shocking Darian is the exact opposite but I know he does it to get attention he has told me that in the past.
Darian and I do get out once a week or so even if it is just to run an errand or picking him up at the Y where we spend time alone. I do enjoy our time talking because he is older so we can talk about a lot of things.
He makes me smile as I see him going through all the things I went through;school dances,girl-boy relationships,hating teachers,making friends. It reminds me of when I was his age,kids make you stay young.
Thinking on this writing assignment which was given by my teacher Ms. Shiira I see the mistakes I have been making that I need to correct before it is too late. In fact our relationship effects Darian and Cullen's relationship as well as I see the hatred he bears towards Cullen. I always though I did a pretty good job keeping it fair and even but if someone on the outside looking in can guess that I prefer one over the other then that's an apparent problem.
So from this day on I will try harder to get closer to my firstborn. I will treat him evenly no more favorites. I will look deep inside of him to find something that we can click with just as Cullen and I do.
It is hard being a Mom of 4 kids trying to spread your attention but it needs to be done.
In closing I want to thank Ms. Shiira for putting me back on track after I had derailed. ALL ABOARD Woo Woo

Ever since my oldest turned 13 (well ok some time before too) he is moody,crabby,opinionated,stubborn oh all the perks of becoming a teen I guess.
I am not sure what came over me this afternoon but it was sweet revenge. It seems like every move I make someone in this house is questioning it. Darian was talking about going over to my Mom's to sleep over and how he can't wait to get out of this house,for no apparent reason at all because all was well on the home front.
Then I said I can't wait for Friday either. He asked why and I proceeded that I was going on a date. Darian asked with who I told him Mr. Soucar (his math teacher he is forever bitchin about). He was in utter disbelief I played it off so well. Explaining how we have been talking on the phone and things have been going real well.
Darian comes out with 'I knew something was up because he has been real nice to me all of a sudden'. I tell ya I could not hold in my laughter but I did.
I finally broke down about a 1/2 hour later and told him I was joking I can't believe he would believe me on that one he even went so far as telling me I shouldn't date the math teacher that the gym teacher is much better because he works out with him at the Y
There are not too many days where I get the longer end of the stick when it comes to these kids so I will bask in my glory

The fathers of my two oldest are well shall we say not very active in their lives. They tend to hide from their problems,their repsonsibilities.
I can not control what their fathers do as they are grown adults. All the talking in the world is not going to make them step up to the plate and take one for the team their team i.e. father and son.
Through the years I have tried to implement tools that my boys can use to navigate through the hurt and disapointment. I encourage talking about their feelings uncensored as it may be. They both tried the whole telephone call thing but their dads just ignore the calls don't pick up the phone as if their own blood have now become bill collectors they must hide from.
Cullen (the 9 yearold) has been troubled by the fact that his Dad has not called or visited since he moved to New York a few months ago. The bastard didn't even call on his birthday,Thanksgiving or Christmas! He has learned at a young age that we can not control the way our relationships turn out even with our own parents.
He has cried a lot in the last few months because of the holidays and the no call no show pattern his Dad has been creating. I was so proud of him last night as he picked up a pen and paper and wrote a short note to his Dad. No anger, no hard feelings just hey Dad how are you. The part that really got me was the picture at the end of the note a before and after. One pic the before had two people titled me and you inside a heart then the other had the same two people but seperated by a broken heart.
I mailed the letter this morning to the address I got from DOR when I started the whole child support process (which is moving so very slowly) we shall see if he will ignore this or not only time will tell. At least Cullen was able to release some of the feelings he has been going through.

The boys made sure I paid for my nice relaxing girls day out this evening. I swear it must have been the tacos I cooked for dinner
We all were in the living room,then the boys started to horseplay a little bit showing each other wrestling moves they know. Then the grand finale when they reved the 4 yearold up you see he has no magic 'off' button once he gets amped up it takes a LOT to calm him down
Anyhow I took some cool pics from the match tonight it was Isaiah the hyperactive 4 year old Vs Cullen body slammin 9 year old with Darian as Isaiah the hyperactive's manager inciting it all. Then there was innocent little bystander who had no idea it was going on as she was watching Babie Genius

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Today was a day for just the girls,just Geneva and I. I dressed her up in her denim dress,white turtleneck,pink tights,her sneakers and even put a pony tail on the top of her head with what little hair she has
We went to my Nonny's nursing home which was a great visit. Those elderly people love babies I tell you it makes them come alive. Such a simple thing to do to bring joy into another human being's life. It doesn't cost me a thing to go there and visit yet it rewards me greatly with the smile it puts on my face and the peace it brings to know I made their day.
My Nonny was playing with her vinyl doll I gave to her for Christmas it appears she brings it everywhere with her now. When she saw Geneva and I she smiled from ear to ear. She has dementia so sometimes she remembers things and sometimes she does not. She looked at me and asked 'What is her first name?'. I have told her the answer to this question a million times but it's ok if I need to repeat it in a sense it is exciting to see the smile on her face all over again when I tell her that the baby's first name is Geneva named after her Mom.
Each time when I leave her I tell her that I love her, sometimes she responds sometimes she does not but the times that she looks at me with all that clarity knowing she is in fact with me at that moment then smiles and says I love you too makes my heart melt!
Then we stopped by my Mom's house and spent the rest of the day visiting with her just the girls it was so nice just hanging out getting out of the house for a whole 5 hours I never do that.
I am sure when Neva gets older she will be more of a handful then she is right now but for right now she is my peaceful child doesn't give me much trouble but the boys on the other hand are a bundle of energy,hostility and bickering draining very draining but I love them all the same