Yep Cullen's B-Day came and went with no call from his Dad. I kind of figured that but I am an optimist by trade
I could tell he was disapointed/hurt. I hate that when any of my kids feel that way I feel helpless.
I gave it until 10PM then I called his Dad left a message as usual. Nice one though no 'baby mama drama' just let him know it was Cullen's B-Day and that he would like a call from him today if he gets a chance. I know he won't call though.
He can't put his feelings aside I guess. I know he is pissed right now because I finally put the wheels in motion for the child support thing. I was sick and tired of staying on his case about helping out. I had made false threats before about filing in the court but never followed through. So I guess he thought I would never do it.
I am glad I did because I can't go it alone. I wish I had done it sooner.
In fact it was his move to NewYork that did it. I knew he was running away and if I did not act upon it now he may never be found.
I don't know how some parents can turn their back on their kids. He disgusts me that he still uses the excuse well I told you to have an abortion even today.
I can only pray that one day he will come to his senses and be a Dad. It is meant to be at this time because if he is not ready he will not do anything but hurt Cullen even more.

My son is 9 today. His conception,birth and first few years of life were very hard. I was 21 when I became pregnant,living at home with my Mom,Dad and 3 yearold at the time. I had it made I suppose. Free babysitters,rent free,hang out with my friends and going to college. Then came my pregnancy with Cullen. I had to move out because number one my Mom would not accept another child in her home (I am glad this was a rule as it made me grow up) and number 2 she did not agree with the child I was carrying being biracial (his dad is black). So I had no where to go but a shelter.
I hated the shelter too many rules,other families to get along with and no space. I called Cullen's grandmother (his Dad's Mom) and asked if I could come there. Without hesitation she told me to come right away. I hopped on to a train with a grabage bag of everything I owned and my 3 yearold.
I was excited to see Justin (Cullen's Dad) as we had not broken up or left on bad terms. When I arrived at his house he did not say a word to me. I asked him what was wrong when we were alone. He told me it was me, that I disgusted him because he did not want a baby. This was funny to me as he stopped using condoms. I was afraid to tell him to use them because I knew he would think it was because I was cheating on him and may get violent (something he admitted he would have felt and been like if I had requested the condoms). If this was not bad enough he became abusive to me and my son. I had enough even though I did not want to do it I went into a shelter again this time for safety and healing.
The program I entered was for battered women. They were angels on earth. I received a furnished apartment and counseling I needed until I could get on my feet. This was what I needed a fresh start.
I was excited preparing for my new baby. I was so proud being out on my own.
Then came Cullen's birth. I expected to feel the same way I did when my first son was born, overwhelmed with love and emotion. My first sight of Cullen cut me deep like a knife, he looked EXACTLY LIKE HIS FATHER. Memories, bad memories rushed me. I saw a face of a man who hurt me, hurt my son. I should have known that this could have happened as Justin was his Dad but I never expected the exact replica laying in the bassinet next to me.
I cried and cried as I could not look or touch him. The nurse sent in a social worker who luckily snapped me out of it with these words, 'There is always adoption'. I looked at her in shock and snapped 'No he is my baby'. Then it hit me he was MY baby he was not his Dad or even Me he was Cullen.
I picked him up and held him so tight his breath,touch,smell, smile served as medicine for my open wound.
It was hard all these years being in 'hiding'/shelter but I needed to stay safe and heal.
We eventually contacted Justin and his family when I became strong enough. Justin is still the loser he was. The poor me type. Still uses the excuse 'well I never wanted a kid I told you to have an abortion' when anyone tells him he should be in his child's life. His family is supportive to the best of their ability so for that I am thankful. My Mom came around quickly in fact she was there for his birth putting aside her feelings of biracial children as this was her grandchild wether she liked it or not.
His Dad has been in and out of his life like the wind when it is convenient to him. I doubt he will even call him today. Cullen and I are getting used to the fact that we have to accept him for who he is. Nothing we do or say will change his Dad.
I still shiver when I remember the distance between my baby and I that first day. Cullen is and will always be my baby. I love him so much. His creation/birth may have not been story book material but our relationship is today.

So if having 4 kids was not nuts enough hear this, 3 of them have birthdays 1 week after the other pretty much right up until X-Mas!

I had one birthday last week for the 4 yearold,my 8 yearold turns 9 today then the 12 yearold will  be 13 next week, one week off then X-Mas Arghhhhhhhhhh.

Anyhow today is Cullen's birthday he is the big 9. Seems like just the other day I was introduced to him.

Oh and yeah can somebody explain to the 4 yearold that IT IS NOT HIS BIRTHDAY. He thinks everyone's birthday has to be his.

He is letting everyone know in the house that he is unhappy. TGIF

The word love is used so often daily by so many people. I have used that word all my life specialy when I was young and in 'love'. I must say that I never truly felt love until my kids came
I love my Mom to death but there is a different love there. The love for my kids is overpowering it drives me to do better every day. I strive to see each and everyone of their smiles it is like a jackpot for my struggles.
When my first son was born I was overpowered with emotion. I just kept screaming 'I love you, I love you My son'. I didn't stop saying that phrase that day. I say that phrase every single day. I have to it is liken to my body being possessed by an entity. I have to tell them how much I love them because if not I will overflow with that love.
I can't say that they do the same with everyone in the household. They do all agree on one thing their love for their sister the baby. It is so nice to see all the boys different ages loving their sister all most to the extent that I love them.
Even the youngest boy who is all most always moody and finds fault in everyone around here loves Geneva greatly. She is the only one that he shows that emotion to. The first day they met in the hospital my 8 yearold asked to hold the baby while Isaiah (3 yearold) was holding her. Isaiah looked at his big brother and said with authority 'No this mine'.
I was worried bringing a little girl into this world because the way the world is today and even the little things all us girls go through like the puppy love heartbreak. I feel so much better knowing she has her own personal team of bodyguards, her older brothers who now know what love is who will surely protect her heart to the best of their ability.
I never knew love like this before. I am so grateful to finally know true love. I am grateful to God for blessing me with 4 of his beautiful children his angels

Many people do not agree with Co-Sleeping but I do every now and then ok a lot of the times. There is nothing more I would like then to have all of my children in my room with me at night watching TV, talking snuggling and watching them sleep.
I myself think it's important to keep that closeness. I tell my kids all the time that I love them. When I say that phrase I mean it. Life is too short not to let them know. It means the world to me when they say it back.
I can say that we could effectively live in a 1 bedroom apartment We may be at each other's throats being that close however everything is put aside at night when we lay our heads down.
I love seeing them all sleeping at night so peaceful so innocent. I have gone through hard times in life who hasn't? One thing will never change never go away the love I have for my children.
When things get rough I find solace knowing that no matter what may happen what I may lose I will always have my kids.
They are a lot of work but worth every minute of it. Sometimes I just want to hug them squeezing them so tight. Getting so close that I can smell their skin their breath. I love when they are babies and they have what I call the angel breath.
My kids they need me and I need them just as much. I can not imagine my life without them they complete me.